“grief is like labor” revisited one year later March 14, 2007
Posted by guinever in christianity, grief, healing, loss.trackback
As the two year anniversary of my daughter’s death quickly approaches, friends and family have been asking me how I’m doing. Some wonder how I will spend March 22–do I want the women to surround me again in prayer at the cemetery followed by brunch at my house like we did last year?
Others ask if the second year is easier than the first one. A year ago, I compared my grief to labor and I said that grief can be overwhelming just like transition during labor can be overwhelming and I said that this transition will end.
So has my transition in grief ended? I would have to say that this approaching Spring is much easier than last year’s February and March. A year ago, it seemed like I had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other. I was walking around numb, dreading Abby’s upcoming birthday, upcoming heaven day, upcoming Easter. I felt nauseous all the time. Parts are difficult, of course, but this year, I have none of the dread.
I am reflecting on my 2 years with her and my two years without her. Yesterday, I read the journal I kept after her death. I don’t think I opened it since the day I stopped writing in it about 8 months after she died. The last couple entries are cynical; I had forgotten I felt that way. I’m paging through her photo album more often. I’m reading letters and cards that people sent me the first year.
Instead of my grief being tied to a certain day or the approach of certain days, it is just there. The reality of her absence is just here all the time. I look at my four children and think that there are five, there should be five, there are five. But one is missing. Always missing. There will always be that gaping hole between my second and fourth child because the third has slipped from this life into eternity.
As I reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now, I am pleased at the healing I see. I am in a new transition.
My mother passed away several years ago (actually it’s closer to ten years … where did the time go?). Anyway, I could relate to so much of what you shared in this post and your earlier one about grief being like labor. Such a true analogy. Thank you for sharing your heart and your grief in these webpages. I’m sure your openness will bless and minister to many others.
I’m currently dealing with an odd sort of grief. My husband of nearly 30 years was diagnosed with a fatal, untreatable degenerative brain disorder. Due to impulse control problems and symptoms that make him dangerous, he’s no longer able to live with me and our three children. Almost overnight I became a single mom of three teenagers with a dying husband. It’s been quite a journey through all the changes and losses and on-going griefs.
I hear frequently from readers of my blog that it helps them to read my story … it gives them encouragement to keep on plugging away at their lives, even when things are rough and the path ahead of them is dark. I’m certain that your blog is encouraging others in the same sorts of ways.
Blessings to you …
~Debi
Today is the 1 year anniversary of losing my Mom. I woke up, felt like a robot; took a shower, got my daughter breakfast, put on my makeup…I was just waiting for some huge ‘thing’ to happen, like a tidal wave of pain. But none of that happened, I think because all of my days since her passing, a little of that pain was with me every day, and it’s just there, following me like a shadow. I put on all of her favorite songs today, looked at her online memeorial I made, received calls from family….the usual question, “how are you doing today?”. Same as yesterday,and the day before, just a little more sad to come to the realization, that I wont be saying she just passed away, or a few months ago, now I’m in the group that has to say, “a year ago”, and that means a year since I spoke to her, a year since I hugged her, smelled her hair, heard her laugh, and so on. To me, it means that I’ll have to hold on tighter to my memories of her, because time is moving forward, and my Mom’s not here for the trip. She’ll have hitch a ride in my heart.
Wow, that is so true, my mom has one hat left from my stepfather who passed away a year ago next week that she says has his smell!
my husband phil died this morning one year ago on holiday in a beautiful place in greece,we were so very happy and then nothing i have been numb for a year and today has brought it all back,i miss the man i was married to for forty years,we were celebrating all our 60 birthdays,our ruby anniversary and then the lights went out for him,i will love him for ever and writing this down helps me how do you get over it, by remembering the wonderful years we had,shared three children,a dog and a cat all of lifes ups and downs me with breast cancer,two hip replacements,but we stayed together through thick and thin,i love you so much.,i would give anything to have you back………
sara noren oct 12, 2008
i lost my son 2 years ago today. i thought i was doing so much better with grief, but today has been very, very difficult. i can’t stop crying. my husband is also very emotional, but he is angry, lately with me. my father is very ill with congestive heart failure, and my siblings and I are trying to be there for him. i hope tomorrow will be better. grief makes everything hurt so much more.
My beautiful Mum passed away 2 years ago – I am finding it harder to deal with today as I realise how much I miss her and want her back desperately. The days are slow and sometimes I feel really angry and don’t know quite how to deal with it. Doctors are very reticent to discuss her death with me and I have been unable to talk to anyone about how badly I would give anything to have her back with me (she lived with us for 7mths before she died) and I feel angry I didn’t get the 5 years I was told we would have. I still find it hard to talk about and burst into tears often and without warning.
I lost my best friend 1yr & 3mths ago. I was 24. It was a few days before my birthday and she had just turned 25. It was sudden. It’s still sudden. It all still suddenly hits me that she’s gone. I feel totally, completely, empty and lost without her. I feel like the majority of my life didn’t happen because there’s nobody around for me to reminisce with. There was only us.
The thing is, I find myself ignoring my pain and avoiding reading the letters and cards. I’m afraid of the realisation hitting me again and I’m afraid of remember the things I did after she died that I feel embaressed about now, such as the uncontrolable sobbing in inappropriate places.
Over a year on…I don’t know how this healing works. I don’t know where I’m going to go from her. I know I need a friend to lean on. The one I need to lean on is gone. I hope guidance can come at me from somewhere. Anywhere. This is really hard.
Hi Jane,
I just read your post and wonder how you are doing lately?? It’s a tough period of time- I lost my dad a year ago- and I understand so much of what your feeling. I have found that the uncontrollable sobbing does get less, thank goodness. It is embarrassing but you just can’t stop it!!! I have a couple of good friends who have been through this and found it really easy to talk to them about it. They keep telling me all the emotions that I feel are normal and part of the grieving process. Counselling is also good. I hope you are keeping well, and have found some peace in all of your struggles.
Take good care
Sharon
Hi Jane,
Your posting speaks to me. I am 26 and I lost my 25 year old best friend one year ago today to a reckless boyfriend and a car crash. I brought a picture of us and a bandanna that still smells like her to work with me today. I cried in front of an unsuspecting coworker, I hope he understood. Tomorrow I am going on a hike with my dog to the place she loved most. I am still completely devastated but amazed that I keep putting one foot in front of another. If you want to drop me a line, feel free to do so. Hang in there.
my best friend was murdered 8 years ago.i had so many nights just sobbing my heart out.when my husband would go to bed-i would use that time for my greif sessions.8 years later,it still hurts like crazy but the gigantic hole is getting smaller.i still have ‘bad nights’ but i welcome them because it’s like a cleansing fot my whole body,heart and soul.i know i will never forget her and am just happy to have known and loved her.one day at a time.embrace her memory-she will always be a part of you.and it will get easier.
I also lost my soul mate, 2 years and 4 months. It was sudden. It is mothers day soon and I have this empty feeling. I’m off to see my mother with my sister. I love all my family and we are very close. I feel like my sister is making me feel guilty because I want to visit my best friends grieving mother and my best friends grieving 3 and half year old daughter whos middle name is named after me. I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could not live if I lost anyone else. It took me ten years to get though the loss of my only grandparent, mum’s mum. And my dad has loss too. My friends mother calls it the grief club. your in it by your self but it has millions of members.
It is getting close to the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. I have found in the past week- that sometimes I am angry, sad,and very lonely for him. I guess it really triggers all the memories of his illness, and all the good memories we shared together. I really wish he was still here- as I feel a huge void in our family still. We try to go on everyday as we promised him we would- but man it is tough. I am relying on my faith immensely and hope to get through the next 2 weeks ok. Thanks for all of the sharing it has sure helped. Just knowing that what I am feeling is somewhat normal- makes me feel stronger somehow. Peace be with you all!!