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better this year? September 14, 2007

Posted by guinever in grief, healing, life, loss.

This thing called grief lessens a little, definitely changes through the months. It’s always there, but it’s just not so horrific.

And yet as most things are better, there is one thing that remains unchanged. I think that every parent in the back of their mind is afraid of losing a child. But for me, that greatest fear has become a reality. And now I’m scared that I’ll lose another child. Although unlikely, it is within the realm of possibility. PLEASE NO! My baby is at the age where he loves playing in the toilet. What if he falls in when no one is around for a few seconds to pull him out? What if my crazy daredevil son falls out of a tree and breaks his neck? What if my other son falls off the ATV that he thinks he’s going to buy when he’s older?  (now that one is a long shot–not the falling off, but the buying)  What if I get pregnant and lose the baby? What if my 2 year old races toward the road, oblivious to the dangers of the street even though we have told her repeatedly not to go there?

This last example happened this week. We were all outside together. My toddler was riding her tricycle full speed down the driveway toward the road. Does lightening strike twice in the same place? Will the angel of death visit my house again? I screamed. She stopped, before going into the street. My husband scooped her up and took her in the house. I followed and screamed again. (not words, just the scream that comes from one who is terrified) My limbs were shaking; my breath was quick and loud.  This is life. Living with the possibility of death.


1. Martha Mihaly - September 16, 2007

I suppose that as hard as it is to let go, it becomes a neccesity at some point. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.


2. Karla - September 18, 2007

Reading this entry makes me yearn for heaven, Guinever, when there will be true rest from the battles we fight in our minds and the striving to protect ourselves and each other from danger.


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