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it’s ok to ask February 12, 2008

Posted by guinever in church, death, grief, heaven, loss.

When I see a friend of mine crying, I go to her. I sit beside her and put my arm around her and ask if she wants to talk about it, and I listen. Or I’ll call her on the phone and listen, send an e-card.

On the Sunday close to Christmas, something happened. Someone started to sing the descant during one of the hymns. It was so beautiful that chills ran up my arms, and I started shaking. Then I felt that funny kind of feeling in my stomach too. It was so heavenly.

So angelic. This thought led me to thoughts of Heaven. Thoughts of Angels. Abby is with the angels. Abby is in heaven. The hymn continued and so did the heavenly descant. I started to cry and I just couldn’t get a hold of myself. By the end of the song, I was sobbing.

My pastor apparently saw me and told his wife because then she looked behind her at me. That started a ripple effect. Another person looked back at me, then another.

No one asked me what was wrong either during or after the service. Did they not ask because they knew the answer and just didn’t want to go there?

Did they not ask because if it were them, they would want to be just left alone?

I just want to let you know that it’s ok to ask. I need a hug once in awhile. When my tears are ignored, it doesn’t make me feel welcome, makes me want to go somewhere else.


1. Karla Duerson - February 12, 2008

Guinever, what vulnerable and helpful words…I am so thankful to know what is in your heart; to know what you want and need.


2. Vicki Boshka - February 15, 2008

Dear Guinever,

May the Lord bring many grieving women across your path. How the church needs women like you!


3. Stephanie - February 29, 2008

That was so raw. Wow.
I never want to be the “nosy”person who asks, but lots of the time when I work up the nerve, it turns out to be a good thing.


4. amy - March 12, 2008

Oh, Guinever. That makes me so sad. I wish that I could be there to hug you every day. I hope you know that I do- even though I am so far away. Praying for you and thinking of how much you must miss her.


5. nakiru - November 13, 2008

Sorry. Sometimes I don’t read this blog for a long time, and then when I re-read things, it reminds me of things, and I am forced to go back and think and re-live things that I still don’t understand.
I just wanted to say that I know I’m terrible about sending notes these days, but I always think of you on the special days. Her birthday, all around Easter, and, for me, this time of year, which began my own (very different, not at all comparable) season of mourning nearly four years ago, when we lost Cori and gained Mary, when I found the arms of my church family to be stronger than I could have imagined, when I stopped understanding God at all for nearly a year and a half.
All that to say, I cry in church too. Holy, holy, holy is a hard one for me, as is Amazing Grace and Be Thou My Vision, which is my favorite hymn. At my new church, it is how I met my first friend, because I just stood and cried instead of singing, and she just hugged me after church, didn’t ask any questions, just introduced herself and hugged me. I want you to know that even if I’m not there anymore. Even if this much time separates us from those days when we spent so much quiet time with one another, so many dishes, so many dinners, so many family Bible times, I still love you more than anything, and I’m hugging you in my heart.

You’re the best, Coral, and I miss you sooooo much!
love, G


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