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happy birthday, beautiful February 26, 2011

Posted by guinever in christianity, death, grief, heaven, life, loss, moving on.

A lot of my friends have been asking me how I’m doing…I haven’t been writing except little snippets on facebook. Blogging is virtually non-existent and has been replaced with one liners.

I’m good. Most of the time, I’m great. I really am. God has blessed me and given me peace and joy. I am living my life and enjoying it. Tonight I’m thinking back eight years ago waking up in labor with a certain baby girl.

I want to go kiss that baby girl right now.

But she’s getting all her kisses in heaven from her great grandparents right now. And from the angels.  And from all the other little girls who have slipped from their parents’ arms into Jesus’ arms.

About a month ago on facebook, a friend asked for inexpensive ideas for her daughter’s 8th birthday party. We had been pregnant together. A few minutes later, another friend posted pictures of her daughter’s 8th birthday cake.  Another blonde girl. BAM BAM. I hadn’t really had any moments of grief for a long time.  Tears. But that’s not all. Then another friend whose baby was stillborn just a short month before Abby’s life ended was writing about her grief too. More tears.

I want MY birthday girl where I can see her and touch her and watch her eat cake.

Today is Abby’s 8th birthday. Where has the time gone? We only had 2 birthdays with her. Then she was gone. Now she has been gone nearly six years.

As I was thinking of my labor, I decided to look through her photo album. When I got it out of the cabinet, my tears fell. Then I opened it.  On the first page is her name:

“father rejoices”

“the bright one, the shining one.”

Then on the next page is this picture.

Do you see her praying hands? I remember her folding her hands quite a bit her first few days.

So sweet!

It’s almost as if she was born to worship, born for heaven right out of the womb. With this thought and looking at this picture and the others on the page, Forget a couple quiet tears, my body was racked with sobbing.

I miss my Abby girl!

It’s been a long time since I’ve cried like that, and I want people to know! This has been the EASIEST February ever. I can’t even believe it. My growth is phenomenal since last year and the previous ones. Part of the reason is I haven’t had time to have a personal pity party because my heart has been heavy, so heavy for others in recent weeks. I was reminded of something I wrote a month after Abby died:

A month. 4 weeks ago tomorrow, our journey of death began. When we were driving home yesterday, Todd asked me if I was doing a lot of crying that he didn’t know about, and I told him not really. I asked him if he cried when Rachel died. The answer was no. I asked him if he cried when Petros died. No. I asked him if he cried when Corrie died. No. And I asked him if he cried when baby Anna was stillborn. No. And I asked him if he’s been broken and weeping and praying for Beth’s recovery. No.

I have spent 9 months, many nights sleepless, just crying and praying for other people. Now, there’s a million people crying and weeping for ME and God is answering their prayers and God has brought me peace and grace.

I don’t think I’m holding it in (so to speak). I asked Todd if he remembered that Thursday morning. How could he forget? I screamed at the top of my lungs and relived every detail of those almost 2 hours of agony where Abby was hurt and dying. I scared him, he said. He kept telling me to relax. He said he reverted into his Bradley mode because it reminded him of labor (before I wrote about it in that way in the funeral memoir) My release was in every way physical, emotional and spiritual. And now I have peace. And my tears are much less than his.

Happy birthday, beautiful. My pretty dancing, singing girl in heaven. I miss you.

I never got past those first 2 pages of the photo album. I’m saving those for the morning when I go to the cemetery with whoever wants to go with me. Not sure which of the kids, if any will want to come. I have some tulips from church that I’ve been enjoying all week that I’ll toss on Abby’s grave.



1. E V - February 26, 2011

I’ve been thinking of, and praying for, you all week.

Prayers ascend for your family daily.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts — your love — with us.



guinever - February 26, 2011

Thanks, Erin. That means so much!


2. Pam Comstock - February 26, 2011

You may remember, Guinever, that Abby and I share a birthday. Every year as my birthday approaches, I am reminded to pray for you. I think of her and you so much around this time. I’m glad you had another chance to sob. Sobbing is not necessary all the time, but it is some of the time. And I’m SO thankful you are experiencing peace and joy. It showed on your face when you were here at Thanksgiving. God is so good. I love you.


guinever - February 26, 2011

Happy birthday, Pam. Thanks for always encouraging me! love you


3. Kendra Adkisson - February 26, 2011

I’ll go with you Guinever!


4. Cole Deelah - February 26, 2011

Guinever –

I would go with you, if I could, to visit your beautiful daughter. 🙂

My heart breaks every time I read of a parent’s aching arms. I have been thinking of you this week and am praying for you now. So many hugs for you.

Happy birthday beautiful Abby.


5. Leisa E - February 27, 2011

My heart just breaks for you, Guinever. I can’t imagine what you all have been through the past six years. In the midst of it all, God has truly blessed you in so many ways. You are a strong, loving, wonderful mother! Prayers and hugs from my family to yours!


guinever - February 27, 2011

Thanks, Leisa, for your kind words.


6. Dana Davidson - February 27, 2011

Happy 8th birthday, Abby!! I’m sure Jesus is celebrating a big party with her. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to share in your thoughts. You are a beautiful person and I know it has been difficult to accept God’s goodness in the middle of such pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


7. Peggy Parr - February 27, 2011

Guinever, thank you for allowing me the bittersweet joy of knowing about your precious baby girl who is in heaven. I am extremely touched and my heart goes out to you. I don’t think I’ve seen a prettier baby picture than the one of Abby with folded hands. So beautiful and sweet. Your pain brings some things to my mind which I hope to share with you in person. In the meantime, you and your family will be in my prayers. Love, Peggy


guinever - February 28, 2011

Peggy, let’s talk soon!


8. Heather Fowler - April 13, 2011


I just can’t explain the comfort you have given me this evening. Thank you.


9. Ted - August 16, 2011

That is a quiet powerful post. Thanks for sharing something so intimate. It cannot be easy but certainly helps those who are in the same situation. Grief is very personal but hearing someone express it and work through the process is also very powerful


10. Krista - March 23, 2012

Thinking about you today (and also yesterday), Guinever. xox


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