top 5 things not to say at a funeral May 9, 2007
Posted by guinever in christianity, death, everyday life, grief, healing, heaven, loss.trackback
In the two years since my daughter’s death, several people have asked me what they can say to a friend who has just lost a child or another loved one. My answer has always been,
There are truly no words. Just listen. Get your friend talking.
Ask about their loved one. Ask what they miss the most, what they remember. If you have some stories to tell about the person who has just died, tell them. They will grasp onto your memories and cherish them.
Here are five things not to say to the grieving family at the visitation or funeral and why you shouldn’t say them:
- You can always have another child. OR you’re young; you can get married again.
- Don’t worry. You’ll see him again.
- At least he didn’t suffer long.
- He is in a better place.
- Be thankful he died at an early age. He doesn’t have to experience pain and heartache on this earth.
Although these might be true statements, they are not helpful and can be very hurtful. You can’t replace a person by having another child or remarrying. The parents will want this child back. The widow will want her husband back. The child will want his parent back.
For Christians, death is bitter sweet; yes, we’re glad that our loved ones are in heaven and we look forward to seeing them again. But the reality is that we would much rather have our loved one here right now with us.
It’s good we give out grief education. It’s just these people don’t know. I am going to add this blog to my blogroll.
So true. I think that most of these things are said out of discomfort. “It hurts me to see you hurting”. The most powerful expressions of support I had during the loss of my daughter were from people who were quiet, who cried, who left space for emptiness, without being so overwhelmed that I needed to care for them.
I love your list because it hits home with me. When my father died, lots of people said #4. It’s the most hated phrase! To me it’s the worst thing to say to someone who’s grieving. I do understand that it’s difficult to find the words to comfort a friend. I’ve been in that situation, even after I’ve suffered a loss. I’m not happy that my father’s in another place! I want him here!
After a very dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer, I visited her at home every week. She was finding it so difficult without him after 60 years of marriage. One day I told her that I wished that I could say something that would make her feel better. Then, she told me that my visits with her, just sitting and listening to her talk, meant so much to her. And, I realized that that is so true. Talking is so important when you’re grieving.
My friend passed away earlier this year, and I’m so grateful that I have that memory of comforting her during her loss.
Thanks for your list!
Hi, I think your top 5 list is so good. I think people often say the wrong thing with the right intentions…but once the comment is out there it can’t be taken back. I’d like to borrow your words and refer to them on my blog. Please have a look and let me know whether that would be okay?
Thank you Guinever.
Hello Guinever,
I found you through Martha’s blog, and was wondering if I could reference this post on the blog for Widowspeak (www.widow-speak.org).
Thanks for your work towards grief education–I’m adding you to my feed reader.
–Amanda Shaffer
Dear Amanda,
Thanks for visiting my blog. Feel free to reference this post and link to it. Sorry for your loss.
Blessings, Guinever
Guinever .. on your loss… I have so much to say and there is no time to say it. That is what I wish I could have said to my father. I just said I love you and I’ll see you on Friday. I didn’t get to, he died that morning and I was 60 miles away. I had a hard time coming to grips with the loss of my mother when I was 21 but a very good friend lost her dad when she was 15. Life comes as suddenly as it goes and we often wish we had said the right thing to them. To have a last embrace .. a last kiss …a lost look at those eyes that used to shine. Rememberance is the hope for the future to get better and the past to be. Never forget it gets easier as the time passes. I had a still-borne girl baby… her name is Samantha….I still remember after 23 years the hope I had for her. Shelagh M.
#1 is particularly bad, as is #3. I don’t understand why #2 is bad. I am comforted to know that I will see Abby, and David, and John, and my Grandpas, and countless others again.
I appreciate the insight. Hopefully I have never said these things.
Very well said.
I know all these things are said with the best of intent. People just don’t know what to say, although I think it’s better that they say SOMETHING, at least they are trying & God bless them for that. I lost a baby girl 2 years ago and I remember a few things that people said or did that weren’t comforting. One friend of mine would often say (my grandma had passed away months earlier) “I think your grandma just needed someone with her”– although I like to think that my grandma can rock my little Lily up in Heaven, I didn’t like the implication that my grandma would have ever wanted this to happen. Another thing to be careful for if you are sending a card, is what is printed in it. This seems like a no brainer, but my dentist office sent me a sympathy card (I’m sure they just have a drawer full) and it said “may your happy memories comfort you…” Reading that was so painful, b/c that was one of the main things I was grieving for… I didn’t get a chance to make memories with my baby girl. Also another woman I didn’t know, gave me a little figurine that someone had given her when she had lost a child and wrote a card and said that she had lost 3 babies. I hated even the thought of losing another child– I couldn’t keep the figurine. That sounds horrible, but when I looked at it made me think of it happening again… it was just too painful.
I am sure anyone who has lost a child could add to this list.
Here are mine:
1) “I know how you feel, I lost my mother (or father or honestly someone said dog) recently.” I lost my father son and mother all in the same year and there is no comparison.
2) I adopted my son when he was 6. He was from my wife’s first marriage. My sister-in-law said “At least he wasn’t a real Poulin(my last name)”. That one hurt the most.
3) “I couldn’t make it to Patrick’s wake because I spilled mustard on my tie”. I understand that some people just can’t bring themselves to go to funerals and that is fine with me. Just don’t make up lame excuses why you couldn’t come.
thank you so much for posting this. I wish I could of read it when my little one left. Is the link to pastors some place else? This one don’t seem to be working
My dear Guinever,
It has been 7 weeks since we said goodbye to Hallel Selah — and I devoted today for another “cry day”. Mondays are good since I don’t have to go anywhere.
The friends who simply said “I’m so sorry” and gave me a hug — those were the best offerings.
Most “offenders” just say too much. However, those who have lost a child themselves could say ANYTHING they wanted and nothing would be wrong.
I want to say thank you SO much for mentioning Abby finding Hallel in Heaven to play with. I googled “Hallel Selah” and your post came up. Being so internet oriented, it is like a part of her is alive when you can find someone mentioning her online. Wow… it was such a joy to my heart. Does that make sense? She exists. It is like “web validation”. LOL
I love you, my sister.
((((((hugs)))))) for you and Abby.
Love,
Heather
Guinever,
it’s kathy, karla’s mom…..
i read your poem and cried for you
and i cried for me…
somedays i just wonder if the tears are really helping
somedays, not to wish years away, but there are times that i wish it was 100 years from now so the pain wasn’t so fresh…
hopes and dreams washed away…but, graciously, not for life in general…
i suffer from pts…i had a bad car wreck on ice…it made my driving, and others, fearful and worrisome…i can’t bear the thought of anyone having a car wreck..if my car feels like it’s slipping, i feel a rising panic in my whole body…..it makes me sick…
when someone loses someone close to them, i fear for them because i feel the loss of michael over and over….it’s not that i try to avoid it, but i certainly don’t have to call it up….it’s ever present….sometimes still so raw that i can’t believe it…it’s been 5 1/2 years since he died….
my girlfriend emy is dealing with her elderly mom slipping away…doctors have given her weeks…..i have dreamed of helping her with her mom since mine has already passed…i wanted to help her..i try to help with driving her to dr appt’s..i take her to lunch…but now it’s progressed to being confined to the nursing home…i guess i am still helping with visits and calls to talk…but when emy calls me all i can do is quietly nod/agree and then i start my crying jags all over again…dying is sad to me..plain and simple..i’d rather have all that have died still with me…
you made it through yesterday and you will make it through many tomorrows…we love you and we love you more becasue of it…please know i am praying for you, for myself, for others who have our pain…
love, kathy
Dear anybody. I have endured many losses in the past 5 years and without much comfort, support or understanding. I am struggling with the lose of my mom, mother-in-law (I loved her like a mom) and my brother, a friend who committed suicide, 2 Aunts, a cousin and 2 Uncles and just recently our dearest friend. In the span of 5 years, I find that I can’t really process one grief stage before another merges with it. I just had a statement made to me while expressing the frustration of my brothers headstone being delayed and taking another 6-8 weeks and the person said, “well he is going to be there for eternity, so another few weeks won’t matter, so don’t get to worked up about it.” What does anyone think about that! am I being too sensitive to respond with upset feelings?
Thanks for listening.
ps. I believe in heaven and have comfort in knowing they are their, but like you all talked about, those kinds of words don’t help much
Another one is, “well, she had a long life.” That was said to me when my 72 year old mother passed away. A long life doesn’t minimize the grief to those left behind. And it is almost like saying, “it was time for her to go.” It demeans the loss although I know that is not the intention of those who say it. The best comfort is from those who will listen and talk and occasionally cry with you. And silence is not a bad thing either. Just the presence of someone who cares can be a comfort to someone who is grieving.
good article thank you
Your list is very good. You’re right. We lost our only child, (beautiful daughter), when she was killed in an auto accident on her way home from school. She was only 17, a senior. The boy that was driving was most likely going to be our son in law, and we miss him terribly too, especially my husband. That was 19 years ago, October 6th. I still can’t believe she’s gone. We went into shock because we kissed her good-bye that morning and then never got to talk to her again. It was awful, but “at least” she was killed instantly and didn’t suffer. I only wished I would have picked her up that day instead of agreeing, (after many arguments), to let Ben drive her home from school. I always think that if I had just insisted instead of giving in, we’d still have her today. Now, I’ll never hold her again and I’ll never have grandchildren. Even though it shouldn’t be about me, I can’t help but feel like my life was ruined that day too. How I wished then and now that it would have been me. She had so much to look forward to. She was not only beautiful to look at, she was a beautiful person. She worried about elderly people, homeless people, children with no parents, abused children and people and animals. Her heart was so big and she only wished she could solve all the problems for all the people in the world that needed help. She promised to take care of me and her dad when we got old, and now I wonder who will do that for me? Who will make sure the nursing home employees don’t abuse me when I can no longer get out of bed?
Thank you for a place to leave a comment like this. I hope these words will help someone else out there to realize that they aren’t alone. And the one bit of advice we got that really helps…to this day…is this: “Don’t dwell on it.” So, when ever I start thinking about it too much, I just make myself get busy doing something, anything, to take my mind of it. It’s hard, but it’s either that or quit waking up everyday. And my mom, brother and husband are still here, so I can’t just quit living even if I want to because I wouldn’t want to make them live with that.
I just lost my dearest friend that I was trying to help get off drugs to an overdose on Saturday. The next night I saved her daughter as I found her taking her last breath overdosing on the same drug her mother has just die from 24 hours earlier. We were able to revive her, and now she is anger with me for saving her life. I live with this family, as they are my family! I did everything in my power to stop her and her daughter from taking drugs, and failed! My dear friend that pasted and her daughter were and are very anger with me for trying to stop this, they just did not understand I was doing out of pure love for them, and that I did not want this vary thing to happen! I need help with my guilty feelings. Because for the past seven months I was trying to rid her of this horrible addiction! I was mean and anger with her all the time, because I wanted her here with us and not lose her as we did. I was attempting the hard love way to try and help her see that she was hurting all that loved her everyday. And now I am suffering so badly from guilt I just do not know how to deal with it! Any words of comfort would be much appreciated.
Blessings to all,
Eileen
I lost my daughter, Christina, 37, to cancer one year ago. Often people ask me if she had children, and when I say no they ask me why not or they say it’s good she didn’t. They also ask if she was married and I explain she wasn’t but that when she found out she had cancer she and her boy-friend got married. I don’t like to be rude, but I just now realized that since I never liked answering certain questions, I don’t have to explain anything I don’t want to. What I like is when someone who knew her tells me something about her I didn’t know myself, like what she said one time in a certain situation…
5 years ago my 6 year old nephew died awaiting a liver transplant. Our family had just lost my uncle in a plane crash and my father to cancer within 2 years. When a friend said “perhaps it’s for the best” that my nephew died, I was very hurt. I was his godmother and I still miss him every day. I urge everyone to become an organ donor so other children won’t have to go through what he did. He was a brave little boy that fought like a man to live. He is my hero.