grief

six months in September 

hair like hers
wispy and blonde
I see a girl with her mother
alive
I used to have a girl like that
but now she is vanished

I want to borrow her from God
for a day or an hour
please lay her on my chest
warm and alive
let her heave one more breath
but no, she is vanished

my sorrow grows
I want my Abby back
to kiss her and love her
give her back to me
why did you take her?
these outrageous mixed emotions
they suffocate me

she’s decomposed and vanished
I’m tormented
overwhelmed by her absence
yesterday’s tears multiply
I’ve surrendered to my weeping
finally
and I’m exhausted
but this anguish mingles with joy

I’m glad that she’s alive
alive alive alive
God is holding her
He’s holding me
separate we are now
but we will be reunited

I will touch her soul
and kiss her
oh joy
she’ll know me
sorrow will vanish
anguish and weeping
vanished
joy will come
joy will come

Guinever Van Campen
September 2005